My sister, Chrislyn, put a post on Facebook of some of her thoughts... they are many of the same thoughts I am having as well... I thought I would share what she wrote.
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August 31, 2013
People ask me how I/we are doing, so here are some of my babbling thoughts right now. No real flow.
Sometimes when I stop and think about what's happening to my dad right now, I get this panicky feeling down inside that starts to well up and I think to myself: This can't really be happening… Not to Dad. Dad is the rock in our family. He never even gets sick. He never gets mad. He always has some good insight, wisdom, or perspective, if we stop to ask him and wait to listen. He has always taken care of us, whether it is fixing things that break around the house, maintaining the vehicles, the yard, keeping the fire going in winter, advising us, providing the income… he's been the sanity, the calming influence, and spiritual guidance amidst this crazy family of now 19 (and counting?). There's probably a host of other things he's provided that we just take for granted and haven't even noticed yet… I wonder, what are we without him???
I once had a very real dream when I was an early teen. I dreamed that Dad died. It was real enough to me that I woke myself up sobbing. I was so relieved that it was just a dream and the whole day (and whenever I thought of it afterward), I was so thankful that I still had my Daddy.
And every now and then these past two weeks I have caught myself thinking, "I just need to wake up out of this bad dream and everything will be fine again! DAD CAN'T DIE! It's just not possible!" But then I'm reminded that it IS possible. Very possible. In fact, he pretty much has an eminent death sentence hanging over him right now. And only a miracle from God will save him.
Now, as much as we all need Dad, and I personally don't want to lose him, I'm especially concerned about my four youngest siblings, who have been a part of our family for about 10 years now. Selena, John, Rachelle, and Joseph joined our family at the ages of 3 months to 5 years old, and are now aged 10, 12, 13, and 15. They are living with the potential reality of what was only a bad dream for me at their age. They in particular are confused, irritable, upset, angry, fearful, withdrawn, etc. right now.
At a time like this it's truly wonderful to be part of such a big "peanut butter family" (we stick together), yet at the same time it can also be overwhelming. There are so many levels of need, from the nursing baby, screeching toddlers, band of hyper-active youngsters thundering and wrestling through the halls, pre teens and early teens with their insecurities and hormonal stuff goin' on, college kids (one of them far away), young parents, the "out-laws", and of course the great matriarch and patriarch themselves. Everyone is stressing, grieving, accepting, denying, questioning, praying, and processing in different ways and at different times. The child side of ME sometimes just wants to curl up in a ball on the couch in absolute silent solitude and cry. But solitude is not something easy to come by around here. It seems like there are constantly kids either fighting, screaming, hungry, bored, or all of the above. My youngest siblings are all trying to talk at the same time and have all kinds of "solutions" and questions. "What if...?" "What if..." "What if..." they ask, coming up with different potential scenarios "if Dad dies". The phone is ringing, house is dirty, laundry is… you get the picture. It's just kinda chaotic. It's probably hard for anyone, whatever our age or stage to really process anything properly right now!
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September 2, 2013
This morning we all woke up planning to get all of us out of the house to take a trip to the beach. Dad, however, woke up feeling not so great. He was rather emotional, and explained to Mom that his head was not hurting, but that it did not feel right, it felt full or something. He felt like there was a pill stuck in his throat that was making it hard to swallow, and he seemed agitated (which again, is not Dad to be agitated). The kids started swarming and stressing and worrying, as were we adults. Short story even shorter: the wonderful Segura family came to the rescue by taking 6 of our 8 minors to the zoo with them today, so that Dad, Mom, Cherilyn, and I can have a short reprieve here to think through, talk, and try to figure some stuff out together in a bit quieter house.
After talking with the doctor, some of Dad's latest symptoms are probably due to the medications he's on. We're going to work to cut those back, and potentially go off of them completely. Dad is in the final stages of a most aggressive type of melanoma. There's nothing humanly/medically that can be done to cure him. (Maybe a few things we could try that might extend his life... but not really his QUALITY of life.) This is a huge learning and growing experience for all of us. We believe that God is All Powerful and is also a God of life and healing. We believe that He CAN and WILL heal Dad... for His glory, IF that is His will. Whatever the outcome though, we trust Him to work in and thru this situation for eternal good. God is in control.
We so much appreciate continued prayers and support for our family: for wisdom as we make multiple decisions (such as school for the kids, hospice support, how long I should stay here with the family, etc., etc.), for peace (my younger siblings are stressed and fearful right now), for God to heal our Dad, for us to surrender and trust Him thru it all
